A Couple Jerks Writing Obscure Articles On The Internet
“Playing on this team and seeing what is happening around me, I feel that something is beginning to fall apart. But, if I was not in this situation, and I was objectively watching what just happened this week, I would probably be drinking a lot of beers and booing.”
Oh noes, I couldn’t do the accent on the ‘a’ in patisserie which makes it all the more French and awesome. Oh well, I guess that will have to do. Anyways, the more I think about it, the more exciting the idea of a patisserie is! It’s one of the quaintest little things, just like how little cozy cottages in the beautiful English countryside just screams QUAINT!
On a sidenote, did you know that the French refer to abs as “chocolate bars” as opposed to how we refer to them as a quantity of beer? That’s just terribly sad how ‘unromantic’ a six-pack is. I mean for the unAmericanized person, wouldn’t they be expecting American people’s abs to look like six bottles? Whereas, the French version is like bars where you can see the ridges cause chocolate bars are all about tear and share! Okaay anyways, back to the main topic.
If I had a patisserie shop, these would be just a few of the essentials. In fact, I think in my mind, my “patisserie” is sort of a chocolatier smashed together with a candy shop and a bakery all together mushed into one little shop. In fact, I think it would have some sort of flashy decor that makes its own fashion statement, no I mean, culinary statement right? It’s gotta exude some sort of happy bubbly thing, I’m still a little kid inside and I’m not afraid of baring it thing. Oh yea, it should be like one of those places where you’ve got on your white collared shirt and your business slacks or skirt and the minute you step into this little shop, you’re kinda like Superman (or I guess superwoman if you’re a femme) where you just rip off that disguise to reveal a glimpse of your little kid outfit underneath. Or I guess it could kinda be like the Russian Matryoshka dolls where the big dolls all fall apart like Easter egg shells and reveals the tiniest little doll inside. That’s what the atmosphere has gotta be like!
And oh! the delicacies waiting inside! No human shall ever be able to leave without drooling a couple puddles. That’s what the handy dandy little oompa-loompas will be good for. Being small and petite enough to zip around through the hordes of people, wiping up the puddles. But every patisserie has gotta have its fruit tarts with a nice flaky pastry crust that is not too crisp but not too buttery, just the right consistency so that when you stick your fork into it, it makes that satisfying crunch. Also, the custard has to be just the right sweetness so that it complements the crust and you have to have just the perfect ratio of custard to crust so when you take a delicious bite, you’ve got just the right amount of each. But oh, fruit tarts aren’t fruit tarts without fruits! You’ve got to have deliciously plump strawberries and raspberries for their redness, blueberries just cause they’re a pretty color and cause of the lovely flavor, and oh maybe some blackberries or just kiwis just for kicks cause a huge portion of points are for aesthetics and the other tiny portion is for taste. ‘Cause if you’re a money-grubbing mongrel, all you’ll care about it making people buy it so as long as it looks beautiful, it’ll sell beautifully too!
Then there’ll be a bunch of random pastries like napoleons or other tartlets and cakes and madeleines. Yum! I won’t go into details but this is obviously just some staple essentials. Oh yea, for cakes, there’s gotta be some sort of yummy sponge cake. Like pistachio sponge or almond sponge, just some sort of exotic flavor and some kind of mousse cake. Mango mousse cake is a must cause it’s totally to die for! Sponge cake has to be just the nicest kind of softness, almost like plush, soft enough that you can pet it and be like, mmmmh, I can just feel my muffin top becoming just like it after I put that yummy in my tummy.
Anyways, then there’s gotta be some sort of gummy candy and all sorts of different kinds of chocolate - deceiving little bits of flavor in all kinds of shapes. It’ll be like the guy from ‘The Chocolate Touch’ walked into a toy store and trailed his muddy fingers over everything. Little peoples and little towns all made out of chocolate so that even the most righteous people will succumb to its charm and gobble it all up like that annoying holier-than-thou leader guy in Chocolat. Anyways, chocolate is a must and it must be some good old eye candy. Haha, eye candy, I am so punny! Plus, there must be more dark chocolate than any other kind cause we have too many fat and obese people in the world. White chocolate and milk chocolate are good but it’d be nice to teach someone a lesson with an injection of bitter, bitter chocolate. Hehehe, or you could color it so it looks like nice pretty milk chocolate but then they eat it and instead it’s a lovely bittersweet taste. Yay!
And then there must be all sorts of happy gummy candy that is very fruity and flavorful, maybe with some sour punches involved too. So that you know when you’re in a messy mood, the kind where you don’t wanna savor something bittersweet like chocolate nor do you want to sink your teeth into a fluffy sponge cake or crumble some fruit tart crusts? You know those kinds of moods? Where you just want to chew on something for a bit, maybe chew the fat for a bit? Instead, you’ve got Twizzler-esque licorice sticks where you can kinda take out your anger. The candy version of beef jerky! That sort of thing where you can bite off a piece, chew it and angstify to your fullest and perhaps hope that the sugar content in that tiny piece of licorice will do its magic and calm you down.
Oh and on the candy note, there’s also gotta be some jelly beans. You can’t have a candy shop or at least the candy portion of the willy wonka’s patisserie shop if you haven’t got any crazy flavored jelly beans. Weird exotic flavors totally do the trick with the coool kids, maybe you could steal the flavors of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans and create more of your own cause you know people never come up with very original ideas, you can only just borrow and borrow from other people. I wonder where those people came up with the flavors then? Anyways, not the point!
Lastly, there’s gotta be ice cream! Perhaps by that time I’ll have already invented jello ice cream - a dessert with the yummy coldness of ice cream but also the wobbliness of jello. A mighty fine dessert, I might add. It’ll definitely be a one-of-a-kind experience. Plus, you gotta cater to the sweaty, hot palms of little kids who’ve stopped by on the way home from school on a sultry summer day. Quite the attraction I must say when you’ve got ice cream. Even old peoples with no teeth can eat it! It’ll definitely woo the crowds. Plus the flavors must be endless, things from the complicated coffee heath bar crunch in a butterscotch almond triple chocolate mix to the simpler flavors like green tea or azuki! You never know when someone will whip out a new flavor and steal your dear old customers away!
Well kiddos, that’s all for today’s journey into a willy wonka’s patisserie shop. Tune in later for more adventures with more fantastical desserts.
P.S. I would add pictures for the full effect of a multi-sensory experience but alas, this is WordPress, isn’t it? So I might as well let the words flow out in a stream of consciousness effect and paint the picture of those lovely pastries instead of spoiling your imaginations by giving you a picture.
today, i stayed up past my bedtime intentionally. tomorrow i will wish i was asleep.
life is pain.
kidding. sort of.
let us speak of college. but first… eat your words. it will amuse me.
i go to UTD. i did not choose to come to UTD because of their great chess team, awesome frisbee team, or really good pool players. i go to UTD because they throw money at me. many of my other classmates agree with me. this has therefore brought me to the conclusion that UTD is, in fact, not what it seems, but in fact, a miles wide transmutation circle for creating the philosopher’s stone.
kidding again. sort of.
more next friday night. or possibly saturday morning. what’s the difference?
Why hello, friends! Today I will be discussing cartoons. Specifically, cartoons from Japan! What is Japan, you ask? What a good question! You will be able to find Japan off the coast of the Asian continent.
Japan is an archipelago! What is an archipelago? Well it’s very simple: An archipelago is a chain of cartoons. As some of you may know, Japan is literally made of cartoons. Why do we know this? Because Japan is really good at covering up how badly its economy is failing! But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.